Today, I caught myself crying on vacation.
I will be a full time employee come Monday morning. For the first time since having Zora, the days will not be monopolized by her musings, but instead by my role as an English teacher. My heart is as full as the moon in anticipation of all that this lifestyle change will bring.
[insert emotional dump]
I’ve tried to complete a similar program before and couldn’t even manage to show up on time. So, the fear of failure is prominent and seemingly debilitating. It has me second-guessing my ability to be an effective teacher. Granted, I’m excited to meet my students and be a guide during their journey through adolescence. I intend to tailor my content creatively, comparable to what I did with my youth poets, because I find value in helping teenagers find their voice. All the while, I’m rejecting modifying my wardrobe and what I comprehend as a limitation of my own self-expression.
I'm also disappointed in myself for not procuring childcare beforehand. Truthfully, I avoided this because I’m saddened at the thought of giving someone else the opportunity to influence Zora on such a large scale. However, I’m not (currently) interested in home schooling and know she can benefit from the social interaction and experience of someone trained in shaping a toddler’s mind. Because of that, I’m excited to watch her develop beyond what I can provide. Never mind the fear of my heart walking around outside my chest, without my supervision.
I recognize the gift of time, now more than ever. I recognize that this is a short-term goal made manifest.
I am filled to the brim with so many feelings. I understand they’re nothing more than that: feelings.
They aren’t permanent fixtures or proclamations of my being. I have been feeling them for some time, and now I’ve simply made room for them to exist outside of my mind. Hence, I am releasing all the ones that don't suit me. That don't bespeak an assurance in my ability to do what God has tasked me with doing. That doubt my tribe and their capacity to adjust and provide support. That reveal fear where faith should reside.
I am unpacking my delusions as I am intentionally affirming my truths. I am howling back at the moon. I am just as filled. I am already equipped. I am capable.
[Let's use the comments as a place to purge and affirm. Release whatever has been weighing you down mentally, then claim the goodness that is within you - guaranteeing your safe passage. Go on. Get to it! Speak life.]